The new guy who broke everything gets his 90-day review

Kevin’s first three months at the company did not go well.

In week one, he replied-all to 4,000 employees to ask what “reply all” meant. In week two, he microwaved salmon in the shared kitchen and the third floor had to be evacuated. In week three, he shredded the only signed copy of a $2 million contract because the paper “looked old.”

By month two he’d locked the CEO out of the building, flooded the server room trying to water a plant, and somehow gotten the office dog banned for life. Nobody knew how. The dog didn’t even like Kevin.

At ninety days, his boss calls him into her office and closes the door. Kevin sits down, already apologizing.

“Kevin,” she says, “I’ve been doing this for twenty years, and I have never seen anything like you. You’ve cost us two clients, one server room and a very good dog.”

Kevin nods miserably. “I understand. I’ll go clean out my desk.”

“Oh no,” she says. “I’m promoting you to senior management.”

Kevin blinks. “Why on earth would you do that?”