30 Hilarious Dad Jokes That You Have To Tell

30 Hilarious Dad Jokes That You Have To Tell!

 

• Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
  Cop 2: Hate crime?
  Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

 

•  My son asked me, “Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?” I smiled and answered…
  “‘Swarm.”

 

• My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
  But I called her Bluff.

 

• “How long do you think that fence is?”
  “I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”

 

• I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
  I’ll let you know.

 

• Chinese takeout: $24.95. Fuel to pick it up: $1.00. Getting home and realizing they shorted you a box:
  Riceless.

 

• How does Tom Hanks express his gratitude?
  T.Hanks

 

• I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram
  I was like 0mg

 

• My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
  She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”

 

• The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

 

• I finally watched Doctor Who.
  It was about time.

 

• Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
  It’s not stroganoff

 

• Why were the Indians in America first?
  Because they had reservations.

 

• If you want to be wise with your money, don’t buy any belts
  Because it will just go to waist.

 

• I was going to tell a time traveling joke.
  But nobody liked it.

 

• I just watched a documentary about beavers.
  It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!

 

• What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?
  Hambitious

 

• My main problem is that I second guess myself way too much.
  [removed]

 

• How do you make holy water?
  You boil the hell out of it.

 

• Why did the dock throw itself into the sea?
  Pier pressure

 

• I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
  It was hard to grasp.

 

• How many bones are in your hand?
  About a handful

 

• Want to hear a joke about paper?
  Never mind, it’s tearable.

 

• Why does the electron read the paper every morning?
  To keep up with current affairs.

 

• Dad I’m cold
  Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees

 

• Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
  That shit was nuts!

 

• My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.
  Now all I want to do is rub it in.

 

• Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
  So when they come back they can Scandinavian.

 

• Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
  It got stuck in a crack.

 

And last, but not least;

 

• Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
  I mean, how low can you go?