30 Hilarious Dad Jokes That You Have To Tell!
- Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
- My son asked me, “Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?” I smiled and answered…
“‘Swarm.”
- My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
- “How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
- I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
- Chinese takeout: $24.95. Fuel to pick it up: $1.00. Getting home and realizing they shorted you a box:
Riceless.
- How does Tom Hanks express his gratitude?
T.Hanks
- I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram
I was like 0mg
- My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
- The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
- I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
- Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It’s not stroganoff
- Why were the Indians in America first?
Because they had reservations.
- If you want to be wise with your money, don’t buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
- I was going to tell a time traveling joke.
But nobody liked it.
- I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!
- What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?
Hambitious
- My main problem is that I second guess myself way too much.
[removed]
- How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
- Why did the dock throw itself into the sea?
Pier pressure
- I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
- How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
- Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable.
- Why does the electron read the paper every morning?
To keep up with current affairs.
- Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
- Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
- My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.
Now all I want to do is rub it in.
- Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
- Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
And last, but not least;
- Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
