For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

 

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

 

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.  Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.  She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!!!!

Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.  Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY:

The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both breasts.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other sh#t too.

 

THURSDAY:

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.

 

FRIDAY:

I hate that b#tch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps – I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY:

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.

 

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b#tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.