36 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny

#1 What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

#5 What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

#8 How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

#9 How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

#10 What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

#11 What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

#12 What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

#13 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

#14 What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

#17 Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

#18 What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

#19 What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

#21 Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

#24 What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

#27 What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

#28 What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

#29 What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

#33 What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

#34 What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

#36 How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.