36 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny

#1 What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

#3 What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

#5 How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

#7 What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

#8 What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

#9 What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

#10 How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

#11 What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

#12 How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

#14 What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

#15 Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

#16 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

#17 What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

#18 What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

#23 What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

#25 Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

#26 What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

#27 What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

#28 What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

#29 What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

#30 What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

#32 What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

#33 What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

#34 How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

#35 What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

11 dad jokes you have to tell

11 Dad Jokes For Laughs

Wife complains about her naked body – but her husband instantly regrets what he says next

Wife complains about her naked body – but her husband instantly regrets what he says next